Thursday was the worst day of my life. But it’s an important day. I realized I was a sex addict. It took being right on the edge to see the cliff I was about to jump off. This might be a long post, but it’s my first post. I’ve cheated on my fiancée for 5yrs and a day.
We don’t have a great sex life. I used to catch him with porn and on websites of sexual origin. I had always justified it as me “making myself happy.” I was “clean” for all of the pandemics until last Wednesday. I still think of him too. This Wednesday I fell hard on old habits. I made a post in a Reddit sub offering blowjobs. I found myself answering every single message in my mailbox, trading pics, and talking about meeting up.
Unlike last time; I was not picky or turned off by any of the messages. I was like a fiend. I talked to probably 50 men in not even 24 hrs. Thursday: All of a sudden it hit me… I freaked out! I wanted to hurt or kill myself all day. I decided it best to predominately delete my Reddit account. I deleted my Kik and deleted the email used for recovery.
I can’t remember any of the passwords. I messaged my fiancée at work that I wanted to hurt myself, but I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. I cried on the phone with him driving home. When he’s home I tell him. I can tell he’s mad. I know I broke his trust. He said he just wants it to stop. He never asked who or how many times, nor how many or how long. So he doesn’t know how bad it was.
At the moment I keep wanting to make a new Reddit, but only for 2 reasons. 1. Because I like Reddit for other normal things. 2. I want to tell 2 guys what happened and I’m sorry. I’m not sure if either is a good idea?
I also realized my wants and needs for sex stems from my conditioning as a 15yr old run away. (I’m 36 now) I had sex every day multiple times a day. I feel wanted, needed, and attractive when anyone will have sex with me.
I am 36 years old. My name is Ariel. I have Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, PTSD, and possibly Autism.
